My 4th Baby

No this isn’t a pregnancy announcement.

You see, I was pregnant but now I’m not. As my due date inches ever closer my empty stomach aches and consumes me. I should be huge right now with a baby kicking and rolling inside of me.

I should be picking out cute pajamas and packing my hospital bag but I don’t get to do that. I sit alone, watching pregnancy announcements and newborn pictures as I’m screaming on the inside.

My baby was wanted and prayed for and so loved. But I will never hold my baby. I will never look in his or her face and I will never know why.

As a culture we don’t talk about miscarriage. It seems shameful and embarrassing. Like it was a failure on my part. If I mention it I get a flippant remark like, oh you’re young you can try again. And I will, I will try again but that doesn’t make my little angel any less wanted or loved.

We don’t talk about the death of a tiny life because it might make other people uncomfortable. While I die silently on the inside I don’t want to say anything for fear that you might not want to hear it. And when I do say something I fear what your response may be.

I would love to tell you what the “right” response is but as far as I can tell there doesn’t seem to be one.

Everyone wants to talk about infertility, they want to talk about not being able to get pregnant, and to a degree I’ve dealt with that too, but miscarriages are shameful. We can say to the world loudly that we can’t get pregnant but God forbid we mourn the life that we loved with our whole heart that we will never meet.

We fear telling people when we get pregnant in case we lose the baby because it somehow embarrasses us. And because of this stigma of shame we mourn alone. We suffer through some of our darkest days ashamed to reach out for help.

Countless mothers have angel babies. I didn’t know until I became one of them. When you mention it to another mom all of a sudden she can release the grief she felt obligated to carry alone.

Many reading this are close friends of mine, and yet few knew that I lost my baby in October. Few knew that I should be welcoming another little miracle in just 3 weeks.

As the date inches closer I mention my baby more. I long to talk about the life that was so dearly wanted. I want to let others know they aren’t alone, its okay to talk about it.

Only when I was going through the loss of my precious baby did people closest to me confide their own losses to me. I am not ashamed of my baby who is now in heaven. I don’t know why it is this way, but I know that I will always love my little angel.



3 thoughts on “My 4th Baby

  1. You are exactly right! I have been through this recently and no one ever mentions it until it happens. It is the “forbidden unspoken” that everyone skirts around. I’m very sorry for your loss of precious one! I am so happy you are written a blog. I had thought about that myself to help place the pain and confusion that has been thrown at me in the past 12 months. The miscarriage was the hardest thing to deal with.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m so sorry for your loss too? It is so difficult because many don’t realize how loved these babies are from the moment the test comes back positive. Many times they are loved and prayed for long before that too!


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